Goodbye To You
by Hna
Summary: Goodbye to you, goodbye to everything I knew
1. Counting The Days That Pass Me By

Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or any of the ER 'gang' The story & chapter titles are all from the Michelle Branch song 'Goodbye to You' (in no particular order)  
  
Authors Notes: Slightly AU to now, in fact very AU. Anyway, Abby and Carter are friends. She did date Luka but they broke up - Carter never dated Susan but they have the same type of friendship as they do in late S8 and S9.  
  
Goodbye To You  
  
Prologue - Counting The Days That Pass Me By  
  
'Guess what?'  
  
'What?'  
  
'I got it'  
  
'Got what?'  
  
'The job', he took in the confused look on her face 'Atlanta, I got the attending job in Atlanta'  
  
'Um, wow, congratulations'  
  
It was awkward. What was she supposed to stay?  
  
'When do you go?'  
  
'Next month'  
  
'That soon?'  
  
'Yeah, I guess'  
  
'I'm happy for you'  
  
His pager bleeped  
  
'Talk later?'  
  
She nodded  
  
----- A few days later -----  
  
'It would've been nice to get some reaction other than 'I'm happy for you''  
  
'Yeah, she's probably just a little shocked - her best friend is moving half way across the continent'  
  
'It's not half way and its not as if we wont be able to talk'  
  
'It's not the same though. Take me and Mark - we promised to write and call each other but it didn't happen'  
  
'Yeah but I'm not leaving with the thought of never coming back - it's only a year'  
  
'A lot can happen in a year'  
  
'I know but.'  
  
'Don't make excuses Carter - you aren't fooling anyone'  
  
He sighed - she was right.  
  
'How long have we got left?'  
  
'Of the break?'  
  
She raised her eyebrows at him  
  
'3 weeks'  
  
'And the break?'  
  
'Ends now'  
  
'What?'  
  
'Weavers here'  
  
----- 3 Weeks later -----  
  
Carter took the last suitcase out of the cab.  
  
'You didn't have to come you know'  
  
'You needed someone to carry your bags'  
  
Awkward silence again  
  
'Abby,'  
  
'Yeah' She looked up  
  
'I'm gonna miss you'  
  
'I know - I'm gonna miss you too'  
  
They reached the platform.  
  
They put the bags they were holding down 'This is it'  
  
'It is'  
  
'Goodbye Chicago'  
  
'Goodbye Carter'  
  
He held out his arms she stepped closer. He put his arms around her and swayed her slightly.  
  
'Goodbye Abby' he whispered  
  
They stayed this way for an eternity.  
  
He pulled away gently, keeping hold of her hand and stepped onto the train.  
  
'See you in a year'  
  
The train moved away from the platform - she tried to hold on to his fingers but the train moved to quickly.  
  
He was gone. 


	2. I've Been Searching In My Soul

Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or any of the ER 'gang' or the song Goodbye to You by Michelle Branch  
  
I've Been Searching In My Soul  
  
----- 2 Months Later -----  
  
She'd been seeing Luka for just less than 2 months. Since Carter had left she'd felt empty - if she was honest she knew Luka didn't fill the void but it was nice to have a constant - something that she could rely on.  
  
Who was she kidding? Carter's departure had hit her harder than she had anticipated. She'd expected to miss him and had expected him to call her once in a while when she wasn't expecting it but it had never entered her mind that she'd look at photos of them and want him back with her in Chicago so much that it hurt or find herself staying in when her shift was over just to make sure that she didn't miss a call from him.  
  
Tonight wasn't going to be like that though, her and Luka were going to going out and have a good time - it was only going to be dinner when he'd finished his shift but still, it would be fun - or so she told herself.  
  
She was just about to get changed when the phone rang, she debated whether to answer it or not but decided against it and walked into the bedroom. She heard the answering machine click on and she heard that familiar, lighthearted voice. She ran from the bedroom pulling her shirt back over her head as she went.  
  
'Well, I'll call you back somet.'  
  
She frantically picked up the receiver.  
  
'Hi'  
  
'Oh, hi Abby'  
  
'Sorry, I was in the bedroom'  
  
It was only a half lie.  
  
'Ok then'  
  
She made herself comfortable on the couch  
  
'Its been a while since you called'  
  
'It's been a week!'  
  
'Yeah, that's a long'  
  
'Well, I'm sorry but you know I've been working dodgy shifts recently and what with my hectic social life I've been busy'  
  
'Well, thanks a lot' She then realised what he'd said. 'Shit'  
  
'What?'  
  
'I'll be right back'  
  
She scanned the room looking for her bag. She crossed the room to get it from the table. She fumbled around trying to find her cell-phone. She walked back to the couch and Carter whilst dialling his cell-phone number.  
  
'Hello?'  
  
'Hi Luka'  
  
'Abby, hi'  
  
'Um, I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it tonight'  
  
'Are you Ok?'  
  
'Yeah, I'm just tires and I've got an early shift tomorrow'  
  
'Well, Ok then'  
  
'Some other time'  
  
'Better tell Weaver I can pull that double then'  
  
'Why bother? If anyone asks we did go out'  
  
He laughed  
  
'See you tomorrow'  
  
'Bye'  
  
She put the cell phone down as she picked up the other phone.  
  
'Carter? You still there?'  
  
He mumbled something indistinguishable, which probably meant his mouth, was full.  
  
'What are you eating?'  
  
'While you were gone I ordered in pizza - the delivery guy's just been'  
  
'Very funny - I wasn't gone that long'  
  
'I'm afraid you were'  
  
'Miss me or was I costing you money'  
  
'Both but I'll hold you to the cost of a pizza when I get back'  
  
She loved it when he said that - it made it sound closer to when he would actually come back, closer to when she'd see him, it made it seem like he wanted to come back, that he wasn't going to abandon her and the snow in Chicago and only return for family occasions and conferences.  
  
'You still there?'  
  
'Hmm, yeah, sorry'  
  
'Are you Ok?'  
  
'Yeah, just thinking'  
  
'Oh my God, you think?'  
  
'Well, I try not to but it comes naturally'  
  
'Ok, lets change the subject before you turn this around and insult me to within an inch of my life'  
  
'Too right'  
  
'Whatever! Anyway, how is everyone?'  
  
'Not a lot has changed since last week but Weaver's still Weaver, Susan's dating a guy from upstairs.'  
  
And so the conversation went on; so much for the early night.  
  
----- The Next Day -----  
  
Coffee with the infamous Susan Lewis - she had mastered the art of making you pour your soul and then making you regret it shortly afterwards. She maybe a good friend; just a good friend who liked to gossip a little too much.  
  
'Hey'  
  
'Coffee?'  
  
'Ask a stupid question'  
  
Susan let out a short laugh  
  
'So how are things with you and Luka?'  
  
'Well, you know, Ok'  
  
'Ok? What is that supposed to mean?'  
  
'Here we go' Abby thought  
  
Susan continued  
  
'Ok could mean good, quite good, very good, not so well. Would you please expand on Ok'  
  
Abby couldn't help but giggle, Susan had gone too long without coffee.  
  
'Well, I cancelled our date last night'  
  
'What? Why?'  
  
Was she supposed to tell her and risk getting a lecture or was she supposed to keep it a secret? It couldn't hurt - Susan was a friend, she wouldn't judge her.  
  
'Carter called'  
  
'You cancelled your date because Carter called? Are you crazy? Has this happened before?'  
  
'Yes, probably and yes. Anyway, why is it such a big deal? I hadn't spoken to him in ages'  
  
Susan raised her eyebrows  
  
'How long is ages?'  
  
'A week'  
  
'Are you serious? And this has happened before?'  
  
'Once or twice and can you please stop with the questions?'  
  
Susan paused to think as her coffee arrived while Abby got annoyed with Susan, she wasn't really helping - not that there was a situation that she needed help with.  
  
'Well, I hate to break it to you but I think you've fallen victim to a good, old, schoolgirl crush'  
  
'You're kidding right?'  
  
'Would you stand up a date for me, if I called out of the blue?'  
  
'I didn't stand him up, I just, cancelled the date'  
  
Abby replied trying to convince herself Susan was wrong.  
  
'Don't change the subject'  
  
'You know what, I've got to go'  
  
'Hmm, whatever'  
  
'I'll see you later'  
  
'Something like that'  
  
She picked up her coffee and walked out onto the street. She wasn't really annoyed with Susan; she was just annoyed that Susan was right. She had a crush on Carter, as much as she hated to admit it, she couldn't hide from herself or Susan. But what did it matter anyway; it was going to be a long time before she saw him again.  
  
Before she knew it, she was at the river, her feet had taken her there subconsciously, they had taken her to their bench. She sat with her hands cupped around her coffee, staring at the patterns (or lack of them) in the river. Mesmerised by the swirling shapes in the river she didn't notice anyone behind her until a set of hands covered her eyes.  
  
'Guess Who?'  
  
Well, there we go - the second chapter is up!! Thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter please continue doing so - Hna xXx 


	3. Can't Live A Day Without You

Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or any of the ER 'gang'  
  
I Cant Live A Day Without You  
  
The voice was warm and familiar and more importantly it wasn't made up of a thick Croatian accent.  
  
'Carter?'  
  
'Got it in one'  
  
She was shocked, not only that he was here but that he hadn't told her- she wondered if Susan was in on it.  
  
'What, what are you doing here?'  
  
'Well, I, uh, decided to come here and surprise you'  
  
'But we only spoke on the phone last night - why didn't you tell me?'  
  
'If I had it wouldn't have been a surprise'  
  
She was stumped, what else could she say?  
  
'Abby, you haven't even said hi yet'  
  
'Neither have you - your introduction consisted of scaring the life out of me'  
  
'Sorry about that'  
  
'Don't be'  
  
'Should we start again?'  
  
'Um.'  
  
'Hi, John Carter at your service'  
  
'Abby Lockhart, pleased to meet your acquaintance'  
  
They shook hands.  
  
She didn't want to let go, apparently neither did he.  
  
'Long time no see'  
  
'Coffee?'  
  
'Ask a stupid question'  
  
He swapped his hands round so he could hold hers more comfortably. They walked back to Magoos - Abby prayed that Susan wouldn't still be there.  
  
'Back again' the waitress joked  
  
'What?'  
  
The waitress obviously misread Abby's reply; she smiled politely and went get their coffee.  
  
'You're looking great' he broke the silence  
  
'Thanks. You don't look to bad either'  
  
'Well, you know, I try'  
  
'I'd like to be able to say that but honestly, it comes naturally'  
  
'What's that supposed to mean?'  
  
'Nothing'  
  
She paused for a minute, this was just like old times, well, not quite, things had changed, she had changed.  
  
'You know, I still cant believe you're here. How long have you had this planned?'  
  
'Quite a while. What's so hard to believe?'  
  
'That you're actually here. I'd psyched myself for you not to come back for another 10 months and honestly, it scared me'  
  
Had she just said that? She waited for a reply.  
  
She could see him thinking as he took a sip of his coffee. A small smile crept across his face.  
  
'You've scared me a few times as well - with the explosion when Maggie came and when you almost got us arrested'  
  
She thought back to then - it seemed such a long time ago.  
  
'What's Luka like these days? You never say anything about him when I call. Have you vindictively massacred any of his possessions recently?'  
  
He watched her face fall as she turned away from him.  
  
'He's fine'  
  
He saw that he had hit a nerve - he wasn't sure which one.  
  
She kept her gaze fixed on something outside as she asked what time it was. He replied. Her expression changed to panic.  
  
'What's wrong?'  
  
'I've been on my break for 45 minutes - Weavers going to kill me'  
  
'Well, you better go'  
  
'Are you coming?'  
  
'I don't know'  
  
'Come on, just say hi to everyone?'  
  
'If you insist'  
  
They picked up their jackets and walked towards the hospital.  
  
Carter noticed a sense of nostalgia build up inside him as he walked across to the ambulance bay - he hadn't done it in a long time yet it seemed the most natural and everyday thing.  
  
'Oh my God. Aren't you supposed to be in Atlanta?' Chen called  
  
'Yeah but I tore myself away'  
  
Susan walked out of the double doors.  
  
'If t isn't John Carter himself'  
  
'Susan, long time no see'  
  
'You haven't changed at all'  
  
'Neither have you, or this place'  
  
'You haven't been inside yet have you?'  
  
Abby butted in 'Susan, is Weaver around?'  
  
'Yea, she's looking for you'  
  
Abby turned to Carter. 'Come and find me when you're done'  
  
She turned and walked into the ER. Carter followed a few minutes later when the ambulance Susan and Chen were waiting for pulled up.  
  
-----  
  
Carter had spent loner than he'd expected talking to old friends and colleagues.  
  
He needed to find Abby  
  
'Susan have you seen Abby?'  
  
A smile lit up her face  
  
'She's in Exam 1'  
  
'What are you smiling at?'  
  
The Cheshire cat style grin remained on her face  
  
'Nothing'  
  
He looked at her and raised his eyebrows but he could see that she wasn't going to give it up.  
  
'Exam 1 did you say?'  
  
Susan nodded - speaking would wipe off her grin.  
  
He walked into the exam room to find Abby finishing with a patient.  
  
'When does your shift finish?'  
  
'Don't know but I have 2 hours left'  
  
Well, I'm going to go and find somewhere to stay. I'll see you tomorrow we can have lunch or something'  
  
'No don't do that; stay with me'  
  
'Are you sure?'  
  
'Why wouldn't I be?'  
  
'I don't know but.'  
  
'But nothing. Look here are my keys; go and have a shower and get some sleep or something. I'll bring back some food and we can pig out in front of the TV'  
  
'I'll see you later then'  
  
'Two hours and counting'  
  
'Things don't change'  
  
----- 2 Hours Later -----  
  
She expected to walk in and find him asleep on the couch, TV blaring and a half empty mug of coffee to be left on the small table, but actually she found exactly the opposite. He was in the kitchen pouring coffee, the TV was off, the radio was playing some 'classic' love song softly in the background and the table was set nicely - she felt the pizza she'd bought was slightly unfit for the 'occasion'  
  
'Hey'  
  
'Oh, hi. I didn't hear you come in'  
  
'I was being quiet - I expected you to be asleep - but instead you've patronised the pizza I got'  
  
They laughed  
  
'Sorry I patronised your pizza'  
  
'Sorry the pizza will mock the surroundings'  
  
The silly banter continued through the meal. When they'd finished, they camped out in front of the TV and watched some old movie.  
  
'What he can't do that?'  
  
'Abby it's a movie'  
  
'I know but still, he shouldn't have gone with her, he should've gone with the other one'  
  
'What does it matter?'  
  
'You really aren't a romantic are you?'  
  
'I wouldn't say that. I set the setting for dinner'  
  
'That was really sweet, may I ask why you did it though?'  
  
'Well, I have something to tell you so I buttered you up first'  
  
Her heart began to pound - she wanted to believe that he was going to tell her something could but in reality it was bound not to be.  
  
'What is it? Tell me'  
  
'Well, I've come back to Chicago to tell you to your face that I might not.'  
  
'Might not what?'  
  
'I don't want to be your friend anymore'  
  
'What?' Her heart and head sank  
  
'No, I don't mean it like that - I could never mean it like that'  
  
He put his finger up to her chin lifting her head back up  
  
'When I left Chicago I thought it would go away.'  
  
She opened her mouth  
  
'Don't say anything, let me finish. When I left I thought that it would go away. You see, I'm drawn to you and I thought that leaving would make the bond weaker, but it didn't, it made it stronger.'  
  
He waited for a reply; she just stared, straight into his eyes.  
  
She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. She did neither, she just stared, he looked so innocent, so honest, so right. She couldn't leave it like that.  
  
In an unspoken agreement they both leaned forward. Their lips united, their noses rubbed together, their foreheads met.  
  
Abby opened her eyes and bit her lip - their foreheads remained in contact.  
  
'What I was trying to tell you was that' he pause 'I love you'  
  
How was she supposed to respond? She didn't know if she loved him and she couldn't lead him on if she didn't, that wouldn't be fair on him. But what about her? What was fair for her?  
  
She put her arms around his neck whilst kissing him. More intensely than before.  
  
She knew where this was going - she wanted it to go there but on her terms.  
  
She took his hand and led him towards the bedroom. A few paces before they got there he pulled her back to him and kissed her forehead - without speaking he asked.  
  
She nodded and let him take the lead.  
  
Neither of them heard the phone ringing in the room they'd left behind.  
  
There it is. I hope it lived up to your high expectations. Thank you for all your kind reviews please keep them coming. - Hna xXx 


	4. I Want You

Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or any of the ER 'gang'  
  
I Want You  
  
It was so surreal - almost clichéd. She was surrounded by twisted sheets, and, more importantly Carter.  
  
The sun was up but she didn't know what time it was; she wasn't prepared to move to find out. She was trying to take in what she felt and how she felt it.  
  
She felt the urge to play with his hair but she didn't want to wake him, she played with the sheets instead, her eyes transfixed on his sleeping form. She wanted to stay like this forever but she'd never admit it.  
  
She saw his eyelids begin to twitch, he slowly opened his eyes. A puzzled look spread across his face as he tried to take in the significance of the surroundings. The smile that soon appeared on his face told her that he remembered.  
  
'Morning'  
  
He sighed  
  
'Sleep well'  
  
Abby tried to think of a suitable answer for first thing in the morning  
  
'Better than most. You'  
  
'When I was sleeping not so much'  
  
All her previous efforts had been pointless  
  
'Well, you seemed quite happy, you look so cute when you're asleep, almost as cute as that puppy off the TV'  
  
She patted his head.  
  
Without warning he rolled on top of her  
  
'I may be cute but I'm not a puppy'  
  
She lifted up the arms he was using to prop himself up and rolled on top of him.  
  
I never said you were a puppy - I said you look like one, which you do'  
  
He rolled back on top of her  
  
'I do not'  
  
She was in an awkward position She had two options - she decided against surrender.  
  
Without warning she pushed him, only this time instead of rolling towards the middle of the bed she rolled him off it. However, she regretted it as she saw the contorted look on his face as he hit the floor.  
  
He quickly regained his composure, his grimace turned to a devilish grin. She tried to bury herself under the covers. For a moment she thought she was safe but a hand grabbed her foot and began to tickle it mercilessly. She squealed. The tickling stopped. She couldn't see where he was - the sheets were covering her head.  
  
His head appeared in front of her, just like the night before their foreheads connected - there was something about this display of affection, it was intimate without being too heavy, honest without showing too much.  
  
'Boo' he whispered  
  
She rolled onto her back  
  
'I can see right up your nose'  
  
He bent down and kissed her nose lightly  
  
She sighed  
  
'Breakfast?'  
  
'Hmmm'  
  
He pottered out of the bedroom while she clambered out from under the covers. She pulled on her bathrobe.  
  
As she passes the phone she noticed the flashing light on the answering machine. She looked up at Carter; his back was towards her as waited for the coffee. She pressed the play button.  
  
'Abby? Are you there? It's me...'  
  
She pressed the delete button - she knew exactly who it was.  
  
She didn't want to deal to deal with it at the moment, right now he wasn't important. She didn't want to think about him, what she would do if he found out, what he would do, what Carter would do. That's if he didn't know already.  
  
She glanced back over to him, he looked content - he didn't know.  
  
He rubbed his back as he carried a plate of eggs over to her.  
  
'Eggs a la moi'  
  
She smiled  
  
He continued to rub his back as he returned to the kitchen to get his own breakfast.  
  
She knew he wouldn't say anything about his back - he rarely did.  
  
'Do they know?' She asked as he came back into view.  
  
He sat in front of her  
  
'Know what?'  
  
'About your back'  
  
'Lots of people have bad backs'  
  
'That's not what I meant, I meant, do they know you were.'  
  
'Stabbed? No they don't - why would they need to'  
  
They don't I suppose. I was just.'  
  
'Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I just don't openly talk about it'  
  
'Its Ok, you don't have to explain'  
  
He smiled.  
  
She could see that he didn't want the conversation to go any further.  
  
'Do you have any plans for today?'  
  
'Um, well I'm having lunch with my parents and I'm meeting Susan for coffee at four. Do you have a shift today?'  
  
'Starts at 5. There's a meeting at three though'  
  
He looked up  
  
'Going?'  
  
'As long as you don't mind'  
  
'Why would I mind? Anyway, knowing Susan, coffee will turn into a three course meal'  
  
'What time are you meeting your parents?'  
  
'Half twelve, which, I believe, gives us two and a half hours'  
  
'I believe it does'  
  
'What would you say to scrapping breakfast and going for a walk?'  
  
'I'd say Ok but I need a shower first'  
  
'Really?'  
  
'Yeah'  
  
'Because so do I'  
  
She turned and walked towards the bathroom  
  
'Where are you going?'  
  
'There's no way I'm letting you use all the hot water'  
  
'Is that so? Well, I think there's only one way to solve this'  
  
'Letting me go first'  
  
'No, well, kind of. You can go now.'  
  
'Thank you'  
  
She walked into the bathroom  
  
'But so will I' he said as he followed her in there.  
  
-----  
  
They were walking along by the river each cupping their own mug of coffee.  
  
'Long time since we've done this'  
  
She was too deep in thought to respond  
  
She couldn't pinpoint what she was thinking about. The whole situation created so many questions. She knew that eventually she'd have to choose, she also knew that she didn't want to be put in that situation but it was inevitable. Carter or Luka? She wasn't ready to make that decision yet. She hadn't prepared for the situation at all. Before that morning she'd never thought about it. Things had taken an unexpected turn.  
  
'What are you thinking about'?  
  
'This and that, nothing important'  
  
It scared her how easy it was to lie to him.  
  
A strange silence gave her the impression that he knew she was lying.  
  
She wasn't sure how he did it, he could see right through her, well, maybe not right through her but further than anyone else, he had to be pretty good at it though because she had mastered the art of lying - she could almost convince herself that she was unprepared to choose. Almost.  
  
'Ok, I've got to go, don't want to keep my mother waiting'  
  
'I don't want you to go'  
  
'I have to, I haven't seen them in two months'  
  
He kissed her forehead.  
  
'You know that's not what I meant'  
  
'Well, I can't stay here'  
  
'Why not?'  
  
'I've just left'  
  
'You could come back'  
  
'You could come with me'  
  
  
  
There we go another chapter - hope you like it. Thanks to Carrie for making me post this!! Next chapter soon! Please review, your input is greatly appreciated - Hna xXx 


	5. The Last 3 Years Were Just Pretend

Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or any of the ER 'gang'  
  
The Last 3 Years Were Just Pretend  
  
'What?'  
  
'Come with me'  
  
'Um, that's a bit out of the blue'  
  
'What did you think I was going to do? Sleep with you and go back to Atlanta alone'  
  
'You came back to sleep with me?'  
  
'That's not.'  
  
'I know I'm just a bit shocked. Anyway, I cant just get up and leave'  
  
'Why not?'  
  
'Well, my job.'  
  
'There's work in Atlanta'  
  
'My friends are here'  
  
'You can stay in touch; we did'  
  
'I really need time to think about this'  
  
'I'm going to be late. We'll talk later'  
  
They shared a quick kiss. He turned and walked back into Chicago while she sat by the river contemplating his proposition.  
  
She knew that this was the choice she was so afraid of making. Chicago or Atlanta? Carter or Luka? The first of those was so much easier - Chicago. Her life was in Chicago, her job (which although she rarely admitted it, she loved), her friends, her security. But, she didn't know if she could live without Carter. In all honesty she wanted to go with him, the only thing holding her back was the lack of security.  
  
What if they broke up, she'd be in a strange city, with unfamiliar, miles from her other friends. But if she didn't go she'd tear him apart. He'd put himself on the line for her; it was only fair that she did the same for him  
  
She had to go with him.  
  
She watched the patterns in the river, they calmed her thoughts. She sat in peace for a while until she ran out of coffee. She sighed and stood up slowly, she took a last look at the dancing patterns in the water and headed towards the city and the meeting she had promised to go to.  
  
Dinner with his mother had been as awkward as ever. She wanted to know if he was seeing anyone, which lead o the same old question of whether he was ever planning on getting married. To both of those questions he forced a smile and used the same old excuse that he hadn't met the right girl yet. To this his mother replied that he obviously wasn't meeting enough new people and that he should attend more Carter family events.  
  
He quickly made excuses and left to meet Susan. There was a lot to talk about and one particular question he had to ask.  
  
Before he had time to think about much else he had arrived at Magoos and was watching Susan struggle to cross the road, let alone keep hold of her scarf. As she entered the diner her cheeks pinkened and it was obvious that she had been wearing a hat, her hair was flying in all directions. She pointed to the ladies room whilst mouthing 'I need coffee'. He ordered the coffee and waited for Susan to emerge.  
  
On her way out Susan crossed paths with the waitress and decided to save the waitress some trouble by bringing the coffee over herself.  
  
She sat down carefully whilst passing him his coffee making sure not to drop any - every drop was precious. She gave a deep sigh and took a sip of her coffee.  
  
'Hard shift?'  
  
'3 traumas so far, all MVA's'  
  
'Ouch'  
  
'Tell me about it. Anyway, I've just left the ER, I don't intend on going back for at least, 20 minutes. So, how are you?'  
  
'I'm good'  
  
'I said how are you? Don't give me 'good' that's to simple for you Carter'  
  
'What's that supposed to mean?'  
  
'You know exactly what I meant'  
  
'You know me too well. I'm doing fine, better that I have been in a long time'  
  
'Do you think that has anything to do with leaving County?'  
  
He smiled. 'I'd like to say so but honestly, I don't think it does'  
  
'What is it then? The weather in Atlanta, the fact that there's no Romano there either, spiritual enlightenment or have you fallen head over heels in love?'  
  
He laughed at the expression on her face and turned his head to face the window  
  
'Oh no' he whispered  
  
'What?'  
  
'Look'  
  
He pointed at a figure walking across to Magoos  
  
'Its Luka, so what?'  
  
He pulled out a menu  
  
'Quickly behind this'  
  
'Why, what's he gonna do?'  
  
'He doesn't no I'm here'  
  
'Well, I think its time he did'  
  
'What?'  
  
'Luka' she called over to the figure walking through the door. He didn't respond  
  
'Luka'  
  
'Oh, hi Susan'  
  
He saw whom she was with  
  
'Carter, what are you doing here?'  
  
'Here on business'  
  
Luka signalled the waitress to bring him 3 coffees  
  
Susan tried to break the awkwardness  
  
'Been sent on the rations run then?'  
  
'Apparently, I'm the only one capable of coming outside and not being blown away'  
  
'That one of Chuny's tricks'  
  
'Yeah'  
  
The waitress brought over Lukas coffees  
  
'I better go' He turned back to Carter 'See you around'  
  
He turned back to Susan 'Do you know what time Abby's on?'  
  
'Uh, three I think'  
  
'Ok, thanks' He turned and walked back across to the ER  
  
'Well that wasn't awkward'  
  
'I'm sorry but we don't get on that well'  
  
'Really?!? I'd never have guessed'  
  
'Anyway, what's the deal with him and Abby?'  
  
'He's her boyfriend, he has the right to know when she's coming to work'  
  
He chocked on the coffee he'd just sipped  
  
'He's her what?'  
  
'Oh my God, you didn't know, I'm so sorry'  
  
'But, she slept with me'  
  
'What?'  
  
'Last night, we slept together, I asked her to come back to Atlanta with me'  
  
'Carter I'm so sorry'  
  
He picked up his coat but didn't put it on as he walked out into the wind Susan went after him.  
  
'Where are you going?' She called as the cab he'd flagged pulled up  
  
He looked back at her  
  
'Home'  
  
He got into the cab and drove off  
  
Abby walked down the busy street, as the wind blew her hair around her face she begun to regret not catching a cab. She took her gloves off so she could find her keys. It wasn't often that she came home knowing that someone would be happy to see her, it was even rarer that she felt this happy.  
  
The meeting had finished quicker that she'd anticipated but her mind had been on other things. She wasn't even sure why she had returned to her apartment, her shift started in 10 minutes and it would take that long to get there but she wanted to check that he hadn't finished with Susan early and was waiting for her to come back. She pushed open her front door, she looked around, the half eaten breakfast was still by the sink, the bed still wasn't made, her clothes were still scattered across the floor.  
  
She saw the pictures on the small table of her and Carter at some charity event. She had to go with him to Atlanta. She would hand her notice in at the end of her shift and then come back and tell Carter - he'd be so happy, they both would.  
  
It was then that Abby realised the clock above the door. She grabbed her coat and bag and ran.  
  
She jumped off the El and pelted down the steps towards the street  
  
'Abby' Susan cried from across the street  
  
'Susan, I.' She couldn't stop to talk - she was already late. 'Hey, isn't Carter with you?' she tried to make it sound as innocent as possible.  
  
'No, he, uh.'  
  
Abby saw Susan's face turn pale  
  
'He's what? He hasn't been in an accident has he?'  
  
'No'  
  
'Thank God'  
  
'Abby, he's gone'  
  
Ok there's your chapter for this week!! As always feedback appreciated - Hna xXx 


	6. Tears Form Behind My Eyes

Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or any of the ER 'gang'  
  
Tears Form Behind My Eyes  
  
*1 Month Later*  
  
Abby stood in the same spot she'd stood in a few weeks earlier. Hse remembered the look in Susans eyes, the tone of her voice.  
  
'What do you mean he's gone?'  
  
'He left, he said he was going home'  
  
'Why, why would he just up and leave?'  
  
'He found out'  
  
'About what?' Stupid question, she knew exactly what had driven him away.  
  
Susans head fell  
  
'I thought he already knew'  
  
'You told him? Susan, how could you?'  
  
'Hey, don't get angry with me'  
  
Luka walked through the doors to meet the approaching ambulance  
  
'Can you to help?'  
  
The touch of someones hands on her back brought her back from her daydream  
  
She turned to find Luka beaming down at her  
  
'You Ok?'  
  
She took a long drag from her cigarette and nodded  
  
'What are you doing tonight?'  
  
'Um, nothing, why?'  
  
'I thought we could go out for dinner'  
  
'I don't know, I'm not really in the mood'  
  
'Some other time then'  
  
She smiled back at him  
  
'You know, we should we go out'  
  
'When do you finish?'  
  
'Eight'  
  
'Ok'  
  
She stamped out her cigrette and walked back inside.  
  
She didn't want to go out but it was part of her duty as the girlfriend to go. She hadn't been fulfilling that role lately. Last week was the first time they'd gone out in over a month, since Carter had resurfaced only to dive again. She hadn't enjoyed the meal at the random restaurant he'd chosen let alone the sex afterwards - throughout it she felt that she was cheating on Carter, afterwards she felt cheap and dirty. She'd cheated on Luka with Carter but now, for the first time she felt like she'd betrayed Carter with Luka.  
  
The irony of the whole situation confused her when she couldn't sleep, that and those two days that had changed everything.  
  
Sometimes she cursed Carter for coming back just then, a week either way could've made the difference, but no, he had to come back when she had been so vunerable, so unsure of how she felt.  
  
But then there were other times, other nights when she found her self justifying her actions. If she was honest she knew that something would have eventually happened, if not when he came to visit but when he came back, there was too much between them to ignore. They hadn't realised it before and even if they did they'd acted upo it.  
  
But that night, that night he told her something she wanted to hear; her reaction shocked her, she usually thought about what she was going to do before she doing it, most of the time she thought too much, but no this time, and look where it had go her.  
  
*A few hours later*  
  
She stood in front of the mirror and gazed at her reflection. She had decided to make an outright effort to look good and enjoy herself - she'd spent too much time lately being miserable.  
  
She smoothed down her shirt once more and gave a satisfied smile. She walked into the bathroom and carefully pulled the rollers out of her hair making sure she didn't diffuse any of her newly created curls. She pulled a few items of make up out of her bag after deciding to go for the 'natural' look. She was just applying her eyeliner when the doorbell rang, her hand slipped and she poked herself in the eye.  
  
'Shit'  
  
She grabbed some tissue off the nearby roll and walked to the door.  
  
As she opened the door a forced smile spread across her face  
  
'Hi'  
  
'Hi. Whats up with your eye?'  
  
'Long story' She convinced herself that he didn't want to hear how incompetent she was at applying make up. 'So, where are we going?'  
  
'I thought we could have Italian'  
  
'Sounds good. Let me get my coat'  
  
She walked back into her room and wndered how much more of the forced conversation she could take.  
  
'Abby?'  
  
'Yeah'  
  
'Your coats out here'  
  
'Oh' She blushed as she re-emerged from the bedroom.  
  
'Have we got a reservation?'  
  
'Eight'  
  
'We better go then'  
  
She returned from the bathroom to find her food at the table.  
  
She sat down and began to eat.  
  
A waitress arrived at the table with a jug of water  
  
'Water?'  
  
'Is that Ok?'  
  
'Yeah but you can drink if you want to, don't let me stop you'  
  
'Your not, I have an early shift tomorrow'  
  
He was lying, she knew he was lying, he was giving up alcohol for her. He'd brought her out to an expensive restaurant, trying to force the conversation without alcohol and what did she do, she hated him for it. She hated him for being a good person and making it more difficult that it already was. He didn't deserve to be sat here oblivious to the lie that she was living, he didn't deserve to be lied to constantly, he didn't deserve her. He trusted her and as far as he was concerned nothing was wrong, their relationship was perfectly healthy.  
  
He'd brought her to an expensive restaurant with romantic lighting and jazz music playing in the background. She looked around, at every table there was a couple, some blissfully unaware of the romantic setting as they held hands and gazed into each others eyes, others obviously only on theyr 2nd or 3rd date - the chemistry that had got them through first dates was evident but the intimacy of a full time relationship wasn't quite there and then ther was herself and Luka, while she constantly lied to him he remained clueless.  
  
'Abby?'  
  
She looked at him, she looked in his eyes. He looked back at her, the look he gave her killed her - his eyes filled with passion and love and everything she didn't feel for him.  
  
'Abby? Are you sure you're Ok?'  
  
She couldn't do it anymore  
  
She pushed her chair back and grabbed her jacket  
  
'No' she whispered  
  
'Why?'  
  
'Luka, I cant do this anymore'  
  
'Do what?'  
  
'This, it's a lie'  
  
'Since when? Would you mind telling me what this is about?'  
  
'I cant lie to you anymore'  
  
'Are you seeing someone else?'  
  
Did he need to know? What good would it do?  
  
'I'm not seeing anyone else'  
  
'Well, whats this about then?'  
  
'I don't love you. I, I, love.'  
  
'You love who Abby? Yourself? That's all you care about'  
  
She couldn't believe it, she couldn't believe he'd said that. She didn't want to look a t him. She stormed out of the restaurant trying not to see the pairs of eyes following her.  
  
'Abby wait' He ran to her 'Im sorry, I didn't mean that'  
  
'Yes you did'  
  
'Look, Im sorry, please, cant we talk about this?'  
  
'And say what Luka, theres nothing left to say'  
  
'Yes there is, I need to know what happened. One minute we were fine and then, then.'  
  
She saw it hit him, she watched his face contort.  
  
'.then Carter came back.'  
  
Okies, long time no post. Hope you enjoyed the next chapter should be up ASAP. Review as always - Hna 


	7. You're My Shooting Star

Disclaimer: I don't own Abby, Carter or any of the ER 'gang'  
  
You're My Shooting Star  
  
She looked down at her feet  
  
'Do you love him?'  
  
For the first time she realised she did and she wasn't afraid of saying it  
  
'Yes'  
  
'For how long?'  
  
How long had she known? When he'd left? That phone-call? When he'd come back? Or maybe shed always loved him, but when did she realise it? That morning - the morning she lay naked in her bed next to him, she could have watched him for hours.  
  
'I don't know, when he came back I suppose'  
  
She could see him thinking.  
  
'Did you sleep with him?'  
  
'Excuse me?'  
  
'Did you sleep with him?'  
  
She could see the anger in his eyes once again  
  
'Does it matter?'  
  
Silence again  
  
'Was I just something to fill in the time?'  
  
'No Luka, I just, I'm sorry'  
  
'Yeah, me too'  
  
His tone was icy as he turned and walked back inside.  
  
She didn't know what to do let alone how to feel.  
  
She wanted Carter to come back and take everything away. She wanted him to put his arms around her waist and tell her everything would be OK. She wanted him to sit by the river and listen to him laughing. She wanted to talk to him, tell him how she felt, tell him everything.  
  
But she couldn't, he didn't want to know her, he ignored her calls and messages, he didn't want her anymore.  
  
So she sat on the El and watched Chicago rush by.  
  
---  
  
She didn't need to hear the alarm outside to know it was time to get up - the bird outside was unusually chirpy.  
  
Her head throbbed, her muscles ached but she felt numb. She got up and walked into the bathroom. The reflection in the mirror looked dead, dead on the inside. Her eyes looked lifeless - she remembered looking in the mirror after waking up with Carter, her eyes had sparkled, her skin had glowed and she couldn't help but smile.  
  
Now it was different, she never smiled anymore. She never did anything anymore, she went to work, she ate, she slept, she went to work.  
  
She needed him to make her laugh, she needed him to tell her that it would be Ok - even if she couldn't see how, hearing him say it would change everything.  
  
It wasn't like last night, she didn't want him, she needed him. But he didn't want to know, she'd betrayed him, she'd betrayed Luka, she'd betrayed herself.  
  
She poured herself a coffee - they say if you drink, more than five cups you're a day you're addicted to it - it was just another one of her vices behind her self denial and drinking.  
  
She was amazed at how well she'd coped with it all, she'd barely drunk anything for a month but before the up came the down. The night he'd left she'd gone out and drank bottle after bottle - she didn't want to but she had to, there was nothing left to hold on to.  
  
Why was she doing this? She poured the rest of her coffee down the sink. Why was she making out that Carter was the miracle cure for everything? He wasn't there now, when she needed him, he'd left her, without saying goodbye, without giving her a chance to explain and now she couldn't explain because he wouldn't let her.  
  
She walked into the ER; it was unusually quiet. Chuny was flirting with Simon (Carters replacement) at the admit desk, Susan was on the phone and Malik was cracking a joke to Haleh. Abby walked into the lounge, she considered pouring herself a cup of coffee but declined - her shift hadn't even started yet.  
  
'Hi Abby'  
  
Lily.  
  
'Hi. Where is everyone?'  
  
'Weavers in a meeting with Romano, Lukas in Curtain 1.'  
  
'He's on today?'  
  
'Only for another hour then Chen takes over. Everything Ok?'  
  
'Yeah thanks'  
  
'I better go'  
  
'Yeah me too'  
  
---  
  
'You sure you're Ok?'  
  
'Susan I'm fine but, um, me and Luka broke up'  
  
'Really? Why?'  
  
'Don't act so surprised'  
  
'Sorry but it was kind of inevitable'  
  
'I know; honestly I'm surprised it lasted this long'  
  
'Me too. So, have you spoken to Carter recently?'  
  
'Um, no, he wont answer my calls or respond to my messages. Have you?'  
  
'Only briefly'  
  
'When?'  
  
'Well once last week and again last night'  
  
'What did he say?'  
  
'Abby! I don't want to get caught up in this'  
  
'You already are'  
  
'Do you blame me?'  
  
'What'  
  
'Do you think it's my fault?'  
  
'No, I didn't mean that but you're already involved'  
  
She just sipped her coffee  
  
'So, did he say anything about me?'  
  
'He's angry Abby'  
  
Her stomach lurched  
  
'That's understandable'  
  
'But you know, he loves you, he came back and told you so'  
  
'What are you saying?'  
  
'He came back here to tell you so maybe you should, you know'  
  
'Are you saying I should go out to Atlanta and tell him?'  
  
'Well, yeah'  
  
'You've got to be kidding'  
  
'Does he know how you feel?'  
  
'Well, yeah'  
  
'Did you tell him?'  
  
She never did tell him, she always avoided the issue.  
  
'Weaver would never give me the time off'  
  
'Abby your nurse manager - you make the schedules'  
  
'Yeah but.'  
  
'Do you want to be with him or not?'  
  
'I do'  
  
'Well, stop making excuses and go'  
  
'What would I say?'  
  
'You're hopeless, you'll figure it out'  
  
---  
  
It always amazed her how coffee at home tasted so much better than the coffee from public places. It was nearly midnight, she could've been sat at home watching late night reruns of Fear Factor - she'd seen them before but she'd spent so much time in front of the TV recently that it wasn't surprising. Shed spent a lot of time doing nothing - she'd wallowed in her self-pity and wondered why he'd gone. So here she was, doing something, standing on Platform 2 of Union Station.  
  
---  
  
Heehee. There we go. Another chapter down. Hope you enjoyed it. Hna xXx 


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